Im comfortable in the car.  No good reason, but i hear a lot of us on Moms side of the family are that way.  My uncles are, to say the least.  Its where i go when i need to think, its where i go when i want to relax.  Ironically, over the years i find interesting ways to have to be there.  When my father demolished both my parents cars inside of a month, i had to drive the “Monte Nanny” back from New Orleans unexpectedly.  What a GREAT ride that was. Worth mentioning… I formed a little bit of an attachment to the Monte Nanny after that.  i was brokenhearted- obviously then- when i had to borrow it for a few weeks recently, and it was a mess.  The seat was broken out of it, the windows werent working, and it was FILTHY. Well, im no Stu*, but i restored it to its former glory as best i could.  It got compliments at Inspection though, so it cant be all bad.  And everything WORKS again, lol.

So getting the Legacy was a pain.  Brad and i had to deal with two banks, and a MONTH of papers.  What an ordeal.  It had nothing to do with him nor i, either.  Chase Financing sucks.  They had the title, and the lein, and the money.  And they SAT on it, lol.  whatever.

Im picky about cars.  I searched the country, and found three i liked.  Atlanta.  Indianapolis.  And Vermont. Atlanta had been driven hard, Vermont was older.  Indy had a good and sad story.  Seller was getting laid off, car had to go.  So off i went.

 

 

430 am at the airport for a 530 Flight.  Thanks to the boys at work for finding me an earlier flight, and Anthony for the ride (and the ride, and the ride, and the ride, LOL)

 

 

 

 

 

 

The pic doesnt do it justice.  It was sweet… Except for the part wher ei was on a plane, with 3 hours of sleep and a screwed up stomach…

 

  

 

 930 am and Brad and i had a plan to meet.  Trouble:  They had a Johnston and Murphy shoe store in the airport.  I almost had to blow him off to go buy new shoes, but i decided against such an action…

 

 

 

 

Brad and his girl seeing me off from the airport parking garage.  Took me ten minutes to get out.  WTF kind of parking machine needs the credit card to go in UPSIDE DOWN???

 

 

 

Gettin on the Business Pedal, cuz i had plans and had to be back in Syracuse by 8pm, latest.  LOL.

 

 

 

 

See me rolllllllllin.

It was a beautiful day for a road trip, even if i had to go it alone. Its always disappointing, but (in my bitterness) i expect it now.  I was going to go to Chicago while i was out this way, but said Eff it, lets roll.

 

 

Me and these guys motored through two states together….

 

 

 

 

 

 

The pics dont do us justice.  We were movin’

 

 

Its a Western New York Staple!  And this was the ONLY thing i was stopping for.  Okay, this and coffee.  And damn, did i have me some coffee.

 

 

 

Yeah, so its a beautiful car.  But i have to be honest:  The first road trip drove me nuts.  It was like shifting with a goddamned row boat.  Thankfully, i managed to get the Cobb STS out of the old car before it got sent away.  I didnt wait more than a week, before getting it in there.  WORLDS better.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Annnnnnnd….. Back in the Cuse, by 7:45.

All in all, im happy.  This one i want to do right though.  The radio parts are available now, and ive got new wheels and tires picked out. Sway bars, a front lip, a rear wing, and a new set of pedals to follow.

 

 

I wrote “Why” the other evening, thinking back to that night.  Whats done is done, but i will say that the new car is a bittersweet acquisition.  I was rather attached to the old Legacy. I had some good times in that car.  Some GREAT times.  And, some really hard times.  And like a best friend, it was steadfast, and ALWAYS there when i beckoned…. And once when i didnt.

Im not going to write again (no Written’s, anyway) until my mind is in a better place.  But i spent 2 hours last night looking through pictures from 2009 so far.  Seeing whats been up. It hasnt all been bad, i suppose.  All of my pictures are terrible, as theyre all iPhone pictures.  But, since im sitting here nursing a beer and lookin back at what my lifes been, here are the last few.

Im not sure if you can tell in this picture, but the upstairs (Master bedroom) had some god awful wallpaper on it.  Lets clarify that, too.  ALL wallpaper is god awful.  And the next time youre thinking about it, get your lazy fat ass to strip the walls and paint, or something.  Wallpaper sucks.  Anyway, this was the sitch:  My Queen Bed doesnt have a split box-spring, so it cant get up the stairs.  So i said i would take my time and redo the room, then get new furniture for it.  Im finally working on it.

The pictures are crap, but we started shredding the wall paper, between a Steamer and some scrapers… And a lot of beer. Mid progress shot after we were about half done.  To get to this point, i yanked all the wood trim too.  Its just generic Crown, but i think im going to chuck it.  Im thinking of getting some 1x Rough from HD, and framing the windows and doors in it.  Then, i may run it around the ceiling/half wall joints, to give it a rustic cottage look.  Earthy colors to follow.

 

 

Brian having at it with the steamer and the scraper, while i watched. Go team!

 

 

 

 This is me, practicing at Project Management.  These are the rules:

1.  Always smile.

2.  Always have something in your hands (look busy!)

3.  Always be animated.  People like passionate people!

4.  Thumbs up!  Encourage your team!  (as in get to work!!!)

 

 

 

The GOVEnator, casually reminding me that REAL supervising means holding up a wall while you onlook.

 

NOICE.

 

 

 

 OMFG.  Teh Room iz spinninG.

 

Whats worse, is you think im joking.  He TOTALLY steals my beer when im not paying attention, or when im dangling precraiously over the staircase. Which brings me too…

 

 

 

Y’all missed a show with this last night. The wall to the right (that you cant see) goes all the way to the second floor ceiling… But theres nothing to stand on to reach it.  So that half wall Govenator is perched against?  I got on it, on my knees, and leeeeeeaned across the stairwell, propped against the wet wall i was Steaming.  Fun times, and no one got hurt.  LOL.

 

 

Priming, Filling, sanding, priming, trimming, and painting to follow.  New Outlets getting installed, new lights, and then maybe furniture?  Although this project is going to get trumped by the car,  i can tell.  More on that in the INDY post i still have to make…

 *Okay, the formatting of this post got jacked.  I apologize, but im not sitting here trying to fix it…

I have two entire posts to write, one of which im debating about writing.  Maybe i can combine them here, maybe ill leave one out alltogether.  But this week has been a mess, on every front.  What was ironic though, was what i came home to Thursday night after work.  A link to THIS ARTICLE was sitting in my AolIM window.  As i read through it, i chuckled… And then at seeing who it came from, i broke down in to hysterics.  You see, i have a terrible habit… I find myself over and over, bound emotionally to those in need of someone, in need of saving, in need of a Rock to lean against.  You could guess why, im sure i know why, and its rediculous all the same.  But thats always where i end up, and there is no one to blame for that but me. 

 I wrote something long ago for this particular person… A couple perhaps.  I dont enjoy yhem at all, they dont flow very well.  But the first was actually requested, in a sarcastic conversation, and so in a hotel room one night, i wrote it.  As i dont enjoy them as much, i combined them in to Trouble:

 

 

 

 

Sociallite so chased by many, time entwined is often found,

Desirous trysts are found aplenty, distraction, seemingly unbound

What of feelings never felt, of adoration never given?

What of hurtful actions dealt, in disrespect as we are driven, 

 

Us for watching, her for aching, sadness disappointment brings,

The wondering, when we’re mistaking, less-than’s for the better things

As courtesy, as in respect, reciprocation is assumed,

As is should be, we expect, until we learn that we’re consumed 

 

In delusions, then regretting, giving trust to such another,

Of the type that she was letting, time and time to then discover

Cruelty, and ill intent, being used and then mistreated,

Then at finding discontent, when that man had then retreated

 

Desirous trysts are found aplenty, distraction, seemingly unbound

What of feelings never felt, of adoration never given?

What of hurtful actions dealt, in disrespect as we are driven,

 

In not talking, and not sharing, words on issues never spoken,

Disregarding and not caring,  leaving such a woman broken

As shes taken, so naïve, and always willing to be trusting

Typically, as he’d believe, that her fortitude was busting

 

Such a story, often said, as often lived and then repeated.

And the anger, that will tread, when such a woman is defeated.

Chasing after, an affliction, for the type that aren’t giving

Sincerity. And my prediction, is the life that shes not living

 

For the ones who look the part, but never seem to act the role,

Are the ones who always start, but never seem to pay the toll

Though the ones that feel the most, in silence as they pick up pieces,

From phone calls sent from the coast, until it seems the hurting ceases.

 

Radiant, and passionate, tall in both the body, mind

Articulate, affectionate, and wit of most delightful kind

Class, distinction, and a presence, here is hoping she receives,

What shes seeking, once the essence, of what she is, she believes

 

Maybe as a dreamer longing, such mistakes stay in my head,

And though in dreams, perfection, but alone, i will sleep in bed

As friends who’ve know the stories holding, hands on hearts, and hold at bay,

As victims of the circumstance, at distance i know you will stay

 

And prices paid, in losing nothing, (something though), a tie to bind

And in losing, only knowing, there was something, there to find

Perhaps a road to drive at night, and then a path to walk along,

To know with hands entwined we’d walk, and trust, as we sang that song

 

For friends have shared and hurt together, faced the storms and forged ahead,

As friends talked (in the anger fought), in bitterness, the things we said.

And pushed away, as wandered back, and here again, together found,

And though its wrong, and unexplained, to friend as such do i feel bound

 

And offer much, though little here, what i could set out, on the table,

adoration, some respect, reciprocation (seen as fable)

Still ive found as often case, im standing, on a porch, this game,

Hesitating, as im mute, for i have never heard my name

Called by you, as called by any, someone who would find the treasure,

As by one, who finds such things, ill spend such days in sending pleasure.

Call on me, ill come to you, and maybe once, our fate will lend,

To not erupt in detriment, when you take courtship, from a friend. 

Irony is a fickle beast… But i find patterns with the type of people i am drawn to.  Theyre around (and around with passion and vigor), when they need me.  When theres something to fix, a gauntlet to throw down, a problem to overcommunicate.  As a self proclaimed fixed, God knows ive spent my share of time rehashing other peoples battered relationships, watching people who deserve better fight for what they want, regardless of how rediculous it is…  But i digress.  Often, i find that after enough time goes by, theyve been helped, they pick up the pieces, they move on… And though we were friends for an instant, its somewhat disqualified after that point.  The irony was, in having this link (the article) sent to me from someone whos done that to me a few times.  But i laughed, for there is some just humor in it.

 I also removed the last post i wrote, because another harsh reality stalked me this week.  All i can say about it, is the following:  “In the face of adversity, when we are ready to lose ourselves the quickest, that is when we need to find ourselves the most.”  Ive often wrote about my different coping strategies… With my angst, my emotions, my whatevers.  Even as late as this week, i quoted Don Simposn (roughly, since i cant find the quote), as he claimed:  There is no such thing as too much.  Unitl its too much, how do you know if its enough?

 But i found a major fault on that train this week… Because there are some things you cant take back.  There are some stations that you depart from, that you can never catch a round trip to.  And theyre expensive trips.  When- by the grace of God- we are lucky enough to wake up another day, we can look back at that departure, and at least speak of and learn from, all that we left behind.  Even if we cant go back.

Myspace pisses me off, but i have to tell you… its not for the reasons you would probably guess.  Every night, i do my *wind down* and play a few songs with either the speakers cranked or my headphones blasting… It just calms me down, and i let my mind have its way with its daydreams before i go to bed.  Then, after i find the *closer* song (my playlist is always on random, and i just keep hitting next until a song HITS me… and thats the closer… I know, im a mess…) i generally flip to IE which is opened all day, and i go to close it to go to bed.  Thats when i usually type whatever my last thought is in to that stupid status thing on Myspace, or Facebook, or whatever.  My last thoughts are usually the biproducts of my wind down, and my submission to my daydreams, and as such, they usually propagate my next Written, when i have time to go back to write.

Well, its 4:01 am right now.  i tried going to bed an hour ago, but im wired on God knows how much coffee, and some adrenaline.  Tomorrow (or today, rather) could be a great day, or a giant disappointment.  I take solace in not worrying about it, because its now out of my hands.  I digress, thats not the point.  I tried going to bed again at 3:20, and i figured maybe i needed the Wind Down.  So i came in here and dropped my headphones on (trying to be nice to the old lady next door).  I jokingly asked my insomniac sister-in-arms Megan which song should be the Closer, but when she responded i looked down at the IM window and saw it was 3:30am.  While my first instinct was to bitch and moan, i jokingly thought “Eff it, im on the three thirty train til tomorrow.”

Then i got super pissed, because i know what have to write now.  But i wont do it tonight, because my mind and eyes are too far gone for rhythm.  But the three thirty train til tomorrow is great.  Its this midnight candle burning at both ends, that says my alarm is going to go off in 3 hours, and im going to have that labored breathing in my chest that says i didnt sleep enough… But im going to know its because i said “I WANT this… This one is MINE.”  And i went for it.  I hate paperwork, its no lie.  But this is the dream, and i want it.  This one might not bite, it might not happen.  Who knows? Certainly not me. 

But were on that three thirty train, its not stopping til tomorrow.  Ill post back when i get an hour of freedom to write it out, its all there.

Closer- Megan picked Indie Arie, but 34 minutes later- Bruce Springsteen- Because the Night (live cover)

And im out in the driveway, with my ipod on, while i violently shovel snow in the dark.  On this subject, there are a few things i can be sure of:

1.  As a pretentious owner of an AWD Subaru, i should NEVER have to shovel my driveway.  And i dont.  My car can go anywhere. That car and i are an unstoppable force.  Brian and HIS Subaru, however… are not.  As evidenced by his managing to get stuck last night. Jesus. So i shovel.

2.  There is nowhere id rather be.  Discounting a 7 year stint carrying stuff in a grocery store (and lets be real, it wasnt hard work) ive never had to physically labor for a living… And yet, i respect the DOers of this world so much. My Grandfather Hall was a DOer, a builder, a worker, and he had heart.  The few summers i spent with him contrasted those with the other side of the family, where we frequented country clubs and the beach.  With Papa Hall, we were in the sweltering summer heat, enjoying the simple things that only we could enjoy:  We mowed grass on tractors, rode dirtbikes, built porches, fixed things, tracked storms… And when it was necessary, we worked. I know hed have worked his ass off if it meant Grandma Hall didnt have to do something, and i always respected him for that. Dont get me wrong, at this point in my life, facing financial Dire straights and restriction, i think back to my birthday in 2003 at the country club and realize damn… That was nice too, haha… But even then, i realize the environment had little to do with it.

3.  While im here alone, and im shoveling for no one, its always for the thought of someone.  No one in particular, thats just nuts.  But i had a talk with a friend recently, on WHY i love shoveling.  Putting aside that i AM a chauvinist (ask me about this, its a fun conversation), i recall the days that i DID live with someone.  Its not that its my JOB, and its not that someone else CANT do it… But there IS a certain satisfaction in knowing my being out there means someone else doesnt have to. I discussed this with a friend today (who laughed, as she wont let her boyfriend shovel without her… But shes an archi-nut-revit-freak, so her sanity is suspect).  Some of us like to pamper, and like to take care.  Its not out of fealty, its not out of lacking-self-worth (i actually contend its the opposite).  But for whatever reason, its something i love. Im lacking any better explanation.

Thoughts on music for today:  I watched Footloose tonight.  Laugh all you want, that movie is badass.  And while the music isnt HEAVY (come on, its mid eighties dance music… or something), it carries something else with it.  I was 16 when i had that album in my cars CD player.  I was 16, and i was vicious.  I was a reactive, secluded, stay-away-from-me, brooding, anti-social little monster with a temper on a trigger, and a penchant for running away.  But, i was alone, and i was comfortable.  God help me if i ever DESIRE to go back to that person, for any length of time.  But for a night or two… It can only help.

EDIT:  And ive got beer in the snow banks.  Bring the NOISE.

-A