Two to finish… Write me an ending?
You would think id be ecstatic at being too busy to write… But its not even that anything great is going on. Im not always healthy with my lifestyle: i wake up too late, dont eat breakfast, graze all morning at work, eat lunch, come home, work out, get home late, and eat a huge dinner. My point, is im only busy because im messing with my schedule. Im trying to get to bed earlier, get up earlier, stay at the gym longer, and so on. Im burning it at both ends, because things in my professional life are dicey at best, tumultuous at least, and catastrophic at worst. Smart people dont wait for the next move to find them, so im always on the run. Im waiting for the life i want to get here, so i can slow down.
That as it is, in my travels recently ive gotten a few lines, and im excited to write them. Im not sure when ill get to it, but i wanted to capture what was on my mind when i got them. On NavWorks, they put up challenges. I rarely play, since i usually only write when something drives me to it (a bad characteristic for someone who writes, but i am not a writer, so i digress). But maybe one of you will finish one so i dont have to.
I cleaned my house the other night. Top to bottom, in an OCD fashion. You cant understand the way i clean, if all of your senses work. Anyway, though its only one raw verse, its literal. I have an old box… I rarely open it. Sometimes to put things in, and occasionally to empty it out in to the garbage. I found myself dozing to sleep last night… Almost wanting to apologize for having put someone in there. But if i cant understand it, im not sure i can expect anyone else to? I might finish it, i might not. Im pissed about it, actually. I said i was DONE with that. But with the REST of the HOC falling down, i revert back to familiar territory. Ill get back up, but maybe ill finish it anyway, since it was an honest thought.
The box I gave, the one I kept, and how upon the latter wept,
That may I fight, it would appear, (that though youre never welcomed here)
Youre Privy then, for as this seems, the way it isn’t what it means,
As hearts and hands will have no locks, I had to lose you… in that box.
Today was a lousy day, too… Just for some petty circumstantial crap in my day to day… So i viciously took it out on myself at the gym. Overly quiet as my life has been lately, i dont get soothing conversation much these days. But i did tonight, which was nice. Sometimes you just need someone to idly converse with. I had a recollection (so horrible) that i shared, about a desolate moment in my past when someone came to me for comfort, when i wouldnt spare a rod or word for anyone. In that sitch, i gave brutal and unwavering honesty “no, we wont be alright…” BUT, as i recounted this story, i thought about my friend i was talking with… A good person. Not stuck up, pretentious, bitchy, arrogant, or someone otherwise engaging in some form of general douchbaggery that makes me want to hit them. LOL. While i recounted this terrible occurrence (and all the cars ive destroyed), i just thought *Man, howd we get here? Surely youre destined for more than this,* and out this came.
Though the past is long departed, some is waning, some more recent,
Though delayed, a future started, must arise, for someone decent
Whats to come, from all you crying, as your life would then retreat?
When hands to doors on pasts aren’t prying, there’s a destiny youll meet…
I dont like posting unfinished stuff. My sense of enjambment doesnt take in until a few verses are down, so theyre rough, the words arent… articulate. Whatever. Its all i got, “these are the jokes people…”. Maybe ill get to them one night soon… EDIT: Its 10:34… so much for my going to bed early!
Peeking for the future (desirous ambition)
I started writing a post on something i wrote last may, called Ambition… It was just a note to a recently introduced friend about my admiration for her ambitious desires… But while i was writing, something funny happened: I was thinking about all of my *interests* over the years, as ive had a LOT of conversations lately on what it is *were all looking for.* In Ambition, i was talking about my excitement for people with passion, with drive… with their OWN dreams. Its SO important to me in a relationship that you believe in one another, that you want to be a part of their dreams, and they want to live in yours too. So on THAT note, i went to quote something i wrote once. I remembered the line “Say we’ll fight for both our lives, the ones we lived before we met, And that we will also fight, for things we havent thought of yet…”.Then i went a little nuts… Because it was nowhere on my computer.
While i dont write often, i write whenever i have a chance and am inspired. That means its been spread about, in location. Home, on my old laptop, on my work computer (Three dropped passes was written at 7pm at my desk at work while i waited for a software patch to install, LOL). Peeking (which i was searching for) never got saved at home, as i wrote it at 30,000 feet on my way to Florida for work. Im happy i found it stashed on myspace. That line holds SO true for me still.
I found out recently that the one woman i came close to marrying (or so i thought?) actually is married now, and a piece of me is very happy for her. But, as she remains the ONE person who i felt was “fully invested” in my dreams, our dreams, AND her dreams… It was hard to hear. But, i smile, and reread Peeking, which i wrote 3/24/08… And i hope that one day someone wants to dream WITH me again.
When desire runs amok and when a look is captivating,
(when the feelings that I’m feeling aren’t logic correlating)
Is the dream that I am craving what’s in image that I’m seeking,
Or is there such entrapment, in the dream that to, I’m peeking?
Passions motivated, and the dreams always supported,
Devotion so unwavering, from love never deported,
To go together, to not waver, two, the future, as we face it,
To the good, and two towards bad, life together (we embrace it)
Laughing often, smiling always, and the tears we know we’ll shed,
Though we know through hard and sad, we’ll always stand by what was said.
Words that tell, and words that sold, and words when needed as were told,
“I love you,” “Always,” and “to have” and not forget “to also hold”
The times before, when words were whispered, as the passed has walked away,
Im waiting for the trust inviting, where I know that you will say-
In Together, In Forever, In for Dreams that for we try,
Along for Cycles, as we Break them, Precious Cargo rules apply.
Say we’ll fight for both our lives, the ones we lived before we met,
And that we will also fight, for things we haven’t thought of yet.
But say that we will fight together, fighting with, but not against
And say that we are always allies, once that dream has then commenced
Promise me you’ll understand, the quirks, the rides, and all the fears,
(That you’ll know there won’t be answers or some reasons, for my tears)
That nightmares come and I can’t stop them, both in dreams and so in life
(That I don’t mean to wreak such havoc… I don’t mean to cause such strife)
And that we know the road is rocky, as were both of such conviction;
But though the highs and lows cascade, we know such love is that of fiction
Founded in our lives as we, make fairytales, in all we do;
For as we ride such krazy trains, and know our love will get us through.
With poems written, and lived out, and love transcending understanding,
Living in a dream as this is something that were both demanding.
Knowing people stare and wonder, on what faith do we rely?
To hold so dear, to hold another, to answer- as we both reply.
Its love, as love was just intended, love that lights our hearts ablaze.
And shouldn’t it, bewilder us, and set our eyes in to a craze?
And where is it, that I cant find, and wheres it gone where once it stood?
Well that id answer, if I knew, and once I know, (you know) I would.
Part of what makes writing so important to me, is the way you can say things so literally, that the majority of readers will pass without regard, as they only have meaning in certain contexts. I remember writing this, on the flight (i hate flying…) and thinking it was ironic: With my oversensed aural perception (along with my hyper emotional… whatever), certain things that have been spoken to me have stayed with me in their entirety. The fourth verse speaks volumes, as it carries traces from 3 people who have now come in to- and left- my world. I think thats why once i wrote that verse, i wrote those lines about Say We’ll Fight… I specifically remember finishing that fourth verse, and instantly feeling… Slighted. But alas, here we stand. As Jeff said to me today “smash the rear view, and look out the windshield.” I suppose here is hoping the future looks just a little bit like the past… But not too much. 
