Through the weather with the Windows down.   And so it was written, in the summer of 2003.  Ive been largely unable to write lately, or unwilling, as the case may be.  In a very unMalleristic fashion, ive been able to shelve most of whats in my head, and throw myself in to work.  I spent this afternoon digging up “Boys,” reflecting on the way we all lean on each other.  Primarily, because i feel responsible for everyone around me.  Ironically, i was going to post it here, but i friggin hate it.  Oddly enough, i dont tend to enjoy anything Written before 06. A lot changed that year, and arguably ive been a much bigger mess SINCE then, but more its about the rhythm and enjambment for me.  Mr writing was much simpler pre 06 and i dont like it, not that i love my new stuff.  Maybe its just that i cant connect to it anymore?  Maybe while my Mental state has waxed and waned, so has my penchant for specific styles.  Who knows, certainly not me.  Which brought me to Pushed to Shove.

Pushed to shove when options lacked, i was faced with honest living:
Talkers mute, as trains were tracked, as no words were ever giving
Methods to a life survived, means to ends- for talk is sparing
Words despondent, not revived, as spoken rarely meant in caring-

So the road, driven before, angst- in pain, as new- when younger
And how we tried to close that door, food for better, driven hunger.
That we sang, as hearts would bleed, disregard for any diction-
through the weather, through our need, yearning to believe conviction

Passed the three, as times evolved, the way the circle then expanded
Every time when i resolved: no falter, then how i demanded:
As acts-out were escalating, towing lines i disrespected,
More of you, left in berating me, to stop as you directed

Follow through, on my own word as i promised new discourse
And the way white lie was heard: i spoke it, but i had remorse
That i meant, perchance to try, spoke in honest want, desire
Still with that, extent to lie: i couldnt have put out the fire

That stop i could (can): if desired, as im since- out of control
But know i wont (cant), fired Conscience, (circumstances toll)
And frustration, heads are shaking, all my closest, then resigned
To miss the fallout, me mistaking: that for leaving me behind.

So commendable, you all, some to stop, to stand beside:
One who wanted a phone call, to reign on me, when i would ride
Many telling, lose the child, be in age as i should, growing
As they watched as i went wild, all-together were all knowing:

I wont stop, but better choices, i would make if i believed-
That the words i hear in voices, didnt devastate, conceived:
In dismissal, in indifference… seeking worth, but not preserving-
Health, for when i need persistence, not believing in deserving

So reflecting, on a Writing, where we stood as we moved on,
Im deflecting, as im fighting, knowing that the power’s gone
That then i wrote my “lets tonight,” that you replied “lets go,”
But you know i gave up that fight, that you have to say no.

So i stand with Roads and Words, the solace in the gap between:
That no ones near, for these “be heards,” in safety, so i will not lean:
On them, instead, upon my antics, as they play upon repeat-
And wonder as the second hand ticks, how long until they defeat?

Instincts bred upon survival, willing me to cross the lines-
Emotion craving, here revival, knowing that this mess defines
Disaster then- as ive been named, (that its not true, i do insist)
But believe (if its as youve claimed), that over distance, youre all missed.

Yet here as i am pushed to shove, know that i never turned on you-
Not on one, for all i love- and this is just the follow through-
That breaks my heart as i survive, but i meant every word declared-
To all of you, to not contrive, i hope you know, i really cared.

Ive been trying to carry a lot for the last few months.  Ive reconnected with a lot of great people in my life, mostly through difficult circumstance though, and ive been doing what i can to try helping.  I feel responsible for those around me, which i cannot really explain.  Where i struggle is that im not always responsible for myself, and ive gotten very out of control.  I dont like admitting that, especially in the light of the fact that i have zero intention of changing.  It turns out i give great “pep talks,” even if im tempted to speak my mind in Subway’s.  Turns out i give great coping advice too, i just dont follow it, LOL.  No, i never “wrote my time down either”)  But im handling my business as i should (and doing the best i ever have), but id be lying if i said i wasnt a hot dangerous mess the rest of the time.  I wrote Boys about my friends who always stood beside, and how i love them for it.  The circle has grown over the years… And i owe more of you much more than i have any right to owe.  Ive shown some of you some pretty scary stuff.  I couldnt, cant, and will never blame you for needing to be distant.  No one wants to be in the blast radius when the fuse lights.  Pushed isnt about my being alone, its about loving that you all were there, and i appreciate it.

That said, ive had to change my ways… So ive been avoiding a lot of people.  In this regard, ive been called a liar, a bad friend, dishonest, and childish.  I can change no perception as there will be no change; i suppose the difference is intent:  Mine is none of anger, ill will, or distaste.  Its the intent of wanting whats good for everyone, and me being around isnt whats good for everyone.  For me, being an Adult hasnt been about getting my emotions under control:  I know that may never happen.  But im learning to know when to pull myself out of a toxic situation.  I still love all the people ive lost over the years of my own volition (i just know they have to be clear of my bullshit too).  I  hope they at least understand that.  I may never have been in control, but i too- was always honest.

Spring is here.  And it looks like a summer of mayhem. 

Song of the moment: Steve Jablonsky- My Name is Lincoln (Thanks Rob!)