Indy and the Run…
Im comfortable in the car. No good reason, but i hear a lot of us on Moms side of the family are that way. My uncles are, to say the least. Its where i go when i need to think, its where i go when i want to relax. Ironically, over the years i find interesting ways to have to be there. When my father demolished both my parents cars inside of a month, i had to drive the “Monte Nanny” back from New Orleans unexpectedly. What a GREAT ride that was.
Worth mentioning… I formed a little bit of an attachment to the Monte Nanny after that. i was brokenhearted- obviously then- when i had to borrow it for a few weeks recently, and it was a mess. The seat was broken out of it, the windows werent working, and it was FILTHY. Well, im no Stu*, but i restored it to its former glory as best i could. It got compliments at Inspection though, so it cant be all bad. And everything WORKS again, lol.
So getting the Legacy was a pain. Brad and i had to deal with two banks, and a MONTH of papers. What an ordeal. It had nothing to do with him nor i, either. Chase Financing sucks. They had the title, and the lein, and the money. And they SAT on it, lol. whatever.
Im picky about cars. I searched the country, and found three i liked. Atlanta. Indianapolis. And Vermont. Atlanta had been driven hard, Vermont was older. Indy had a good and sad story. Seller was getting laid off, car had to go. So off i went.
430 am at the airport for a 530 Flight. Thanks to the boys at work for finding me an earlier flight, and Anthony for the ride (and the ride, and the ride, and the ride, LOL)
The pic doesnt do it justice. It was sweet… Except for the part wher ei was on a plane, with 3 hours of sleep and a screwed up stomach…
930 am and Brad and i had a plan to meet. Trouble: They had a Johnston and Murphy shoe store in the airport. I almost had to blow him off to go buy new shoes, but i decided against such an action…
Brad and his girl seeing me off from the airport parking garage. Took me ten minutes to get out. WTF kind of parking machine needs the credit card to go in UPSIDE DOWN???
Gettin on the Business Pedal, cuz i had plans and had to be back in Syracuse by 8pm, latest. LOL.
See me rolllllllllin.
It was a beautiful day for a road trip, even if i had to go it alone. Its always disappointing, but (in my bitterness) i expect it now. I was going to go to Chicago while i was out this way, but said Eff it, lets roll.
Me and these guys motored through two states together….
The pics dont do us justice. We were movin’ 
Its a Western New York Staple! And this was the ONLY thing i was stopping for. Okay, this and coffee. And damn, did i have me some coffee.
Yeah, so its a beautiful car. But i have to be honest: The first road trip drove me nuts. It was like shifting with a goddamned row boat. Thankfully, i managed to get the Cobb STS out of the old car before it got sent away. I didnt wait more than a week, before getting it in there. WORLDS better.
Annnnnnnd….. Back in the Cuse, by 7:45. 
All in all, im happy. This one i want to do right though. The radio parts are available now, and ive got new wheels and tires picked out. Sway bars, a front lip, a rear wing, and a new set of pedals to follow.
I wrote “Why” the other evening, thinking back to that night. Whats done is done, but i will say that the new car is a bittersweet acquisition. I was rather attached to the old Legacy. I had some good times in that car. Some GREAT times. And, some really hard times. And like a best friend, it was steadfast, and ALWAYS there when i beckoned…. And once when i didnt.
Lookin back…
Im not going to write again (no Written’s, anyway) until my mind is in a better place. But i spent 2 hours last night looking through pictures from 2009 so far. Seeing whats been up. It hasnt all been bad, i suppose. All of my pictures are terrible, as theyre all iPhone pictures. But, since im sitting here nursing a beer and lookin back at what my lifes been, here are the last few.
Im not sure if you can tell in this picture, but the upstairs (Master bedroom) had some god awful wallpaper on it. Lets clarify that, too. ALL wallpaper is god awful. And the next time youre thinking about it, get your lazy fat ass to strip the walls and paint, or something. Wallpaper sucks. Anyway, this was the sitch: My Queen Bed doesnt have a split box-spring, so it cant get up the stairs. So i said i would take my time and redo the room, then get new furniture for it. Im finally working on it.
The pictures are crap, but we started shredding the wall paper, between a Steamer and some scrapers… And a lot of beer. Mid progress shot after we were about half done. To get to this point, i yanked all the wood trim too. Its just generic Crown, but i think im going to chuck it. Im thinking of getting some 1x Rough from HD, and framing the windows and doors in it. Then, i may run it around the ceiling/half wall joints, to give it a rustic 
cottage look. Earthy colors to follow.
Brian having at it with the steamer and the scraper, while i watched. Go team!
This is me, practicing at Project Management. These are the rules:
1. Always smile.
2. Always have something in your hands (look busy!)
3. Always be animated. People like passionate people!
4. Thumbs up! Encourage your team! (as in get to work!!!)
The GOVEnator, casually reminding me that REAL supervising means holding up a wall while you onlook.
NOICE.
OMFG. Teh Room iz spinninG.
Whats worse, is you think im joking. He TOTALLY steals my beer when im not paying attention, or when im dangling precraiously over the staircase. Which brings me too…
Y’all missed a show with this last night. The wall to the right (that you cant see) goes all the way to the second floor ceiling… But theres nothing to stand on to reach it. So that half wall Govenator is perched against? I got on it, on my knees, and leeeeeeaned across the stairwell, propped against the wet wall i was Steaming. Fun times, and no one got hurt. LOL.
Priming, Filling, sanding, priming, trimming, and painting to follow. New Outlets getting installed, new lights, and then maybe furniture? Although this project is going to get trumped by the car, i can tell. More on that in the INDY post i still have to make…
If it Kills me…
Im not typically one for posting other peoples work, as i prefer to find my own words for most things. But occasionally something touches me, and i fancy a repost of someone elses work. So it is.
I love dancing, and not just the saturday night kind. I daydream about it a lot… I think it would be so much fun. Sadly, ive never actually done it… Ive always talked about it, but i wont do it alone (although one day im sure i will), so its never come to fruition. But i love watching So you Think you Can Dance, and i saw this on wednesday (The vid might get pulled because DC Productions sucks…)
The storyline and the choreography is amazing (not to discount the dancing… And i think id Marry that girl site unseen, holy shit!). But the song was interesting too, so i went and found the lyrics to it. Wow, did it ever strike a chord with me.
I am not well, lol.
Jason Mraz- If it Kills Me:
Hello, tell me you know
Yeah, you figured me out
Something gave it away
It would be such a beautiful moment
To see the look on your face
To know that I know that you know now
And baby that’s a case of my wishful thinking
You know nothing
Well you and I
Why, we go carrying on for hours on end
We get along much better
Than you and your boyfriend
Well all I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can’t say it after all we’ve been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me
How long, can I go on like this,
Wishing to kiss you,
Before I rightly explode?
This double life I lead isn’t healthy for me
In fact it makes me nervous
If I get caught I could be risking it all
Cause maybe there’s a lot that I miss
In case I’m wrong
If I should be so bold
I’d ask you to hold my heart in your hand
I’d tell you from the start how I’ve longed to be your man
But I never said I would
I guess I’m gonna miss my chance again
All I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can’t say it after all we’ve been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me
If it kills me
I think it might kill me
And all I really want from you is to feel me
Yeah, the feeling inside keeps building
I’ll find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me
It might kill me
Dawn
I realized the other night that there is actually a very good reason i havent written anything- or tried to- in quite some time: Great feelings and emotions (whether good emotions or bad ones) are usually founded in a strong sense of conviction for what im feeling. As such, even when it HURTS, i believe in what im thinking so its easy to express. it comes out in a way i can relate to, even if no one else ever understands or likes it.
Once on Nav, someone asked the question of WHY we bother to write at all. For me, its really not about talking to you. Im still not entirely sure why i even post these now… But i felt like i was screaming in to a brick enclosure, before. But theyre almost always written to say things you couldnt understand anyway, so maybe its a way to tell a secret without telling a secret, but i digress.
Lately, i know how i feel, but i dont like it. Its lackluster, its mediocrity, and its confounded with a newly bred sense of: Distrust, Resentment, Anger, Bitterness, and general apathy. Its no secret that i daydream a lot… Just about anytime my headphones are on. Ive even had very similar daydreams for years (maybe my mind will move on when one is realized?). They often just get a new character/face, or a new song/soundtrack. Lately though, im finding myself cutting it short, already dreaming up a bitter ending to it, and then having to stop myself short. THIS is why ive been afraid to write.
But the other day, i said something to one of my best friends. It was just a rash passing thought, but at the TIME i meant it, which worried me. Since then, the thought stayed. This is about that thought… But i preface now: Its really NOT the literal story its written about. I mean, this is very literal in what it says, but thats not whats in my mind when im reading this.
But i know i wont be writing again for awhile. Because i hate this one, and i dont like where it went. I had passion, and i had fire… And i loved it. And i wrote it, and i shared it. And no one person took it from me, but a few horrible encounters later, and im waiting for the bitterness to pass, because right now… Its annihilated. And im angry about that. But… For the fallen:
Of the roads that i was driving, of the journeys i have taken-
As the friend who stood- surviving, even when i was forsaken.
Quiet, rarely a contesting- follow through in all your actions
Even though you knew protesting called to you, for my infractions
Standing in for friends i lost, those that couldve caged the madness
Now, betrayed- a jaded cost, attuned to notice- herein sadness
That: the night we walked together, (Mother as she reigned and rained)
As my other, balked at weather, and an illness then was feigned
Steadfast in our quickened paces, anytime: a destination
And the way we chased the faces, lost in angst and consternation-
That id run to save a friend, and sometimes fall from grace, in suiting-
Though i used you then, to mend, and how my foot we then were shooting-
Why im writing here (and granting), odes to lifeless, reverie-
See: You left me here, im ranting… One more act: mortality.
Not in yours, as not for living, but in mine as you were saving
Me from actions unforgiving, when i crossed lines of behaving.
Thoughts of ‘in together’ preaching, as we rode with Cargo, Dear-
“Never faltering,” my teaching, and the way i bred the fear
For preciousness, my promises, for obstacles were naught for stopping-
And now, in seeing, what this is: Juggled luck, that now im dropping.
Looked to you, though my control, the way i pushed on you in nights-
One day/some day with a toll, as i teased beyond my rights.
Quietly though, you remained- Ever steady… unassuming.
Til (to save me) you detained, even as your end was looming.
Time: so meaningless at hand, the way i cant recount the hours-
Chained, in idle reprimand, recounting: we delivered flowers.
Poems, writtens, all my stories, how together, we would race
Running from, madness and glories, til the time that we would face
Myself, in trouble, that was known- and to who- would i lend an ear?
Where once before to trouble thrown, i left it- followed “follow here,”
Now: the anger, breaking free- Inanimate (you are) i blame
That even thought i couldnt see, you left me here, and just the same.
All the carnage then begotten, as all my friends look on in fear.
Somehow in the past (forgotten), im left alone just standing here.
Hearing this: the wake up call, but im asleep (as i was then)
Wondering how far we fall, and if we ever wake up… When?
On a porch, perhaps through phone, in every medium that asked?
What more would it take to hone, To uncover what i have masked?
Back to find a life to smile, something other than this game-
Where i push hard, for awhile… And teach you to forget my name.
Scariness, is theres no answer: I dont know what holds tomorrow.
But this desire is cancer, and eventually: the sorrow
Must succumb, for your replaced, and now im racing ’round a ghost.
And wondering (each road ive faced), if i scare, or get scared most-
Fade to black as colors fit, as resurrected wistfully-
Its sad- that smile as i sit, and push you farther, gracefully…
But it isnt as you were… it isnt how you used to be
Then again you werent her, as i would have let her save me.
But you: You gave it up: the wall, our backs or sides went up against.
And so, this deadly game: to fall, my bullshit antics have commenced.
Incredulous, i speak to you- and laugh as you were never living:
Bewildered as this time passed through, i wasnt either, so im giving:
Out a final call to you, and to the ones who could have saved-
But i know its MY follow through, and that i should have just behaved.
But so lost, with no recover, and now how THAT has woken fear-
Why… My saver, and my lover… Why to save, and leave me here?
