*Okay, the formatting of this post got jacked.  I apologize, but im not sitting here trying to fix it…

I have two entire posts to write, one of which im debating about writing.  Maybe i can combine them here, maybe ill leave one out alltogether.  But this week has been a mess, on every front.  What was ironic though, was what i came home to Thursday night after work.  A link to THIS ARTICLE was sitting in my AolIM window.  As i read through it, i chuckled… And then at seeing who it came from, i broke down in to hysterics.  You see, i have a terrible habit… I find myself over and over, bound emotionally to those in need of someone, in need of saving, in need of a Rock to lean against.  You could guess why, im sure i know why, and its rediculous all the same.  But thats always where i end up, and there is no one to blame for that but me. 

 I wrote something long ago for this particular person… A couple perhaps.  I dont enjoy yhem at all, they dont flow very well.  But the first was actually requested, in a sarcastic conversation, and so in a hotel room one night, i wrote it.  As i dont enjoy them as much, i combined them in to Trouble:

 

 

 

 

Sociallite so chased by many, time entwined is often found,

Desirous trysts are found aplenty, distraction, seemingly unbound

What of feelings never felt, of adoration never given?

What of hurtful actions dealt, in disrespect as we are driven, 

 

Us for watching, her for aching, sadness disappointment brings,

The wondering, when we’re mistaking, less-than’s for the better things

As courtesy, as in respect, reciprocation is assumed,

As is should be, we expect, until we learn that we’re consumed 

 

In delusions, then regretting, giving trust to such another,

Of the type that she was letting, time and time to then discover

Cruelty, and ill intent, being used and then mistreated,

Then at finding discontent, when that man had then retreated

 

Desirous trysts are found aplenty, distraction, seemingly unbound

What of feelings never felt, of adoration never given?

What of hurtful actions dealt, in disrespect as we are driven,

 

In not talking, and not sharing, words on issues never spoken,

Disregarding and not caring,  leaving such a woman broken

As shes taken, so naïve, and always willing to be trusting

Typically, as he’d believe, that her fortitude was busting

 

Such a story, often said, as often lived and then repeated.

And the anger, that will tread, when such a woman is defeated.

Chasing after, an affliction, for the type that aren’t giving

Sincerity. And my prediction, is the life that shes not living

 

For the ones who look the part, but never seem to act the role,

Are the ones who always start, but never seem to pay the toll

Though the ones that feel the most, in silence as they pick up pieces,

From phone calls sent from the coast, until it seems the hurting ceases.

 

Radiant, and passionate, tall in both the body, mind

Articulate, affectionate, and wit of most delightful kind

Class, distinction, and a presence, here is hoping she receives,

What shes seeking, once the essence, of what she is, she believes

 

Maybe as a dreamer longing, such mistakes stay in my head,

And though in dreams, perfection, but alone, i will sleep in bed

As friends who’ve know the stories holding, hands on hearts, and hold at bay,

As victims of the circumstance, at distance i know you will stay

 

And prices paid, in losing nothing, (something though), a tie to bind

And in losing, only knowing, there was something, there to find

Perhaps a road to drive at night, and then a path to walk along,

To know with hands entwined we’d walk, and trust, as we sang that song

 

For friends have shared and hurt together, faced the storms and forged ahead,

As friends talked (in the anger fought), in bitterness, the things we said.

And pushed away, as wandered back, and here again, together found,

And though its wrong, and unexplained, to friend as such do i feel bound

 

And offer much, though little here, what i could set out, on the table,

adoration, some respect, reciprocation (seen as fable)

Still ive found as often case, im standing, on a porch, this game,

Hesitating, as im mute, for i have never heard my name

Called by you, as called by any, someone who would find the treasure,

As by one, who finds such things, ill spend such days in sending pleasure.

Call on me, ill come to you, and maybe once, our fate will lend,

To not erupt in detriment, when you take courtship, from a friend. 

Irony is a fickle beast… But i find patterns with the type of people i am drawn to.  Theyre around (and around with passion and vigor), when they need me.  When theres something to fix, a gauntlet to throw down, a problem to overcommunicate.  As a self proclaimed fixed, God knows ive spent my share of time rehashing other peoples battered relationships, watching people who deserve better fight for what they want, regardless of how rediculous it is…  But i digress.  Often, i find that after enough time goes by, theyve been helped, they pick up the pieces, they move on… And though we were friends for an instant, its somewhat disqualified after that point.  The irony was, in having this link (the article) sent to me from someone whos done that to me a few times.  But i laughed, for there is some just humor in it.

 I also removed the last post i wrote, because another harsh reality stalked me this week.  All i can say about it, is the following:  “In the face of adversity, when we are ready to lose ourselves the quickest, that is when we need to find ourselves the most.”  Ive often wrote about my different coping strategies… With my angst, my emotions, my whatevers.  Even as late as this week, i quoted Don Simposn (roughly, since i cant find the quote), as he claimed:  There is no such thing as too much.  Unitl its too much, how do you know if its enough?

 But i found a major fault on that train this week… Because there are some things you cant take back.  There are some stations that you depart from, that you can never catch a round trip to.  And theyre expensive trips.  When- by the grace of God- we are lucky enough to wake up another day, we can look back at that departure, and at least speak of and learn from, all that we left behind.  Even if we cant go back.