I was supposed to be in bed an hour ago… Ironic that its a Saturday night and i will chastise myself for being awake past 10:30… But tomorrow is a nice bike ride around Onieda Lake for the American Diabetes Association.  (That was the bike set up for last year… when i got lost, whoops!)  Its also ironic that i am both- too busy to write about whats on my mind, but too bored to be able to let it go, as well.

Im suffering from what i call OverKnow, and its because of these godforsaken computers.  Ill tell you, its always ASSumed that im the technology proponent, advocate, and evangelist… Largely because that *IS* my job all week.  Im the Holy-Roller-of-Tech in the office, and with wild eyes and bewildering enthusiasm, i try to move people in to the future.  And yet… All things equal and constant, i would return my profression to the days of hand drawing and phone calls, and would abandon the hypertechnology all tomorrow.  But i digress:  I like communication.  Im starved for it, and i miss having people close to me that i can and want to talk to alot.  But, it comes with a price:  Suddenly you get to know everything about the people you DONT want to know anything about.  Thats not all bad, but its gotten me thinking about all the people in my life that have come and gone.  The 9 months i was on Long island were a dark part of my life… But ill tell you, they were a QUIET part too.  No cell phone, no internet, no FaceBook, no IM. 

Throughout the years ive struggled with faith, and fate, and random chance, and predestination.  Ultimately ive comforted myself with the knowledge that there is no knowledge, and that it doesnt matter if or what i believe, as hard as that is.  Having said that, there is ONE chapter in my life, we all agree i need to leave behind.  It left me behind long ago, but a recent discussion i had with Mike startled me:  Following my recent rude awakening, he told me he hoped this was the wake up call ive needed since 2004, because hes just watched me spiral more and more since that time.  This was ironic for two reasons:  When the car was destroyed, i went to get my belongings.  There was a CD from 2004 sitting on the floor, and i picked it up.  Then i realized what Mike said, and decided to leave it in the car.  I should bury the past there.  Well folks… I shit you not:  The Salvage Yard mailed it back to me.  “Thanks, we’ll keep your car… And mail back the ghosts from your closet…”  Predestination aside, what the hell do i do with THAT?  I laughed about it, and put it back in the CD player.  Then today, came more information OverKnow:  someone actually sent me recent pictures of someone from the past, and i was mindblown.  Truth be told im not upset, i wanted to see them.  But man, it makes you stop and wonder all over again… What the fuck keeps going wrong in my life?

Ive been able to take my old walks again, which gives me at least 30 minutes of respite to think every day. I walk under these overpasses and i absolutely love them.  So many things about them are great, as ugly as they are.  I love them even more when its pouring out.  But anyway… Ive had time to think.  I have to say, all perception aside, i just dont believe im that difficult to be around. I think im obnoxious, and i think i can be a handful, but im honestly coming to terms with the fact that i only do it as some people expect it.  The people ive been happiest around, ive been the least… Crazy, too.  But, it gets me to thinking about my disposition.  Ive done my time self evaluating, and i know where the problems are with me, and i know where they are with you (lol).  But starved-for-attention be damned, im too stupid to stop from getting wrapped up when i shouldnt.  And then, im reminded of why that bothers me.  Its nowhere near a favorite (i hate it), but its fitting… And i dont have time to write these days. :(   Circa March, 2008. 

“Three Dropped Passes”

Tell me that you do not mind, when the monologue is short,
And tell me when I say it wrong, that you wont discount rapport
Promise me, when grace aside, and you I accidentally slight
That you wont run, you wont succumb, that we wont have to have a fight
 
For I’m not always elegant, my mouth sometimes an open gate,
And sometimes though I stop myself, I stop myself a second late
And then I found I’ve hurt someone, my lovers and of course my friends
And though I fight like hell for that,  I just cant seem to make amends

And though there’s beauty in the raging, passion in the wildfires,
Those that praise the fire starters, rarely stay for what transpires
Through the heat and in the smoke, and with the blinding orange sear
Though they light it, then they leave it (so im left, alone in here)

The hardest part of hurting many, is the way it’s never dealt,
On purpose, as I write this, there is hurting, that alone I felt
As I sent the words mistaken, never meaning to deliver
Such a blow that knots in stomachs, such a fate to make lips quiver

Catalyzing tears such plenty, reigning down on all emotion,
Lost control, naïve in knowing, history will bring commotion
With a heart that feels too much, a mind learned always to defend it,
(Am I to engage your lives, and kill us, so we cannot mend it?)

Times too many, times not talking, times not worth the searing pain,
And though I know the fault lies in me, in me lays the same refrain,
Wondering, so accidental, what skill is born of words and phrases,
Who would grant such weaponry? (to me of all, the thought amazes)

Then I wonder who will listen, when I preach my sorries ’round,
Who can listen time again, when time sees me again unbound
As the hurting look in anger, some in fear, all in regret?
When their not hurt by what was said, but by the fact… That we had met.