I realized the other night that there is actually a very good reason i havent written anything- or tried to- in quite some time:  Great feelings and emotions (whether good emotions or bad ones) are usually founded in a strong sense of conviction for what im feeling.  As such, even when it HURTS, i believe in what im thinking so its easy to express.  it comes out in a way i can relate to, even if no one else ever understands or likes it.

Once on Nav, someone asked the question of WHY we bother to write at all.  For me, its really not about talking to you.  Im still not entirely sure why i even post these now… But i felt like i was screaming in to a brick enclosure, before.  But theyre almost always written to say things you couldnt understand anyway, so maybe its a way to tell a secret without telling a secret, but i digress.

Lately, i know how i feel, but i dont like it.  Its lackluster, its mediocrity, and its confounded with a newly bred sense of:  Distrust, Resentment, Anger, Bitterness, and general apathy.  Its no secret that i daydream a lot… Just about anytime my headphones are on.  Ive even had very similar daydreams for years (maybe my mind will move on when one is realized?).  They often just get a new character/face, or a new song/soundtrack.  Lately though, im finding myself cutting it short, already dreaming up a bitter ending to it, and then having to stop myself short.  THIS is why ive been afraid to write.

But the other day, i said something to one of my best friends.  It was just a rash passing thought, but at the TIME i meant it, which worried me.  Since then, the thought stayed.  This is about that thought… But i preface now:  Its really NOT the literal story its written about.  I mean, this is very literal in what it says, but thats not whats in my mind when im reading this. 

But i know i wont be writing again for awhile.  Because i hate this one, and i dont like where it went.  I had passion, and i had fire… And i loved it.  And i wrote it, and i shared it.  And no one person took it from me, but a few horrible encounters later, and im waiting for the bitterness to pass, because right now… Its annihilated.  And im angry about that.  But… For the fallen:

Of the roads that i was driving, of the journeys i have taken-
As the friend who stood- surviving, even when i was forsaken.
Quiet, rarely a contesting- follow through in all your actions
Even though you knew protesting called to you, for my infractions

Standing in for friends i lost, those that couldve caged the madness
Now, betrayed- a jaded cost, attuned to notice- herein sadness
That: the night we walked together, (Mother as she reigned and rained)
As my other, balked at weather, and an illness then was feigned

Steadfast in our quickened paces, anytime: a destination
And the way we chased the faces, lost in angst and consternation-
That id run to save a friend, and sometimes fall from grace, in suiting-
Though i used you then, to mend, and how my foot we then were shooting-

Why im writing here (and granting), odes to lifeless, reverie-
See:  You left me here, im ranting… One more act: mortality.
Not in yours, as not for living, but in mine as you were saving
Me from actions unforgiving, when i crossed lines of behaving.

Thoughts of ‘in together’ preaching, as we rode with Cargo, Dear-
“Never faltering,” my teaching, and the way i bred the fear
For preciousness, my promises, for obstacles were naught for stopping-
And now, in seeing, what this is:  Juggled luck, that now im dropping.

Looked to you, though my control, the way i pushed on you in nights-
One day/some day with a toll, as i teased beyond my rights.
Quietly though, you remained- Ever steady… unassuming.
Til (to save me) you detained, even as your end was looming.

Time: so meaningless at hand, the way i cant recount the hours-
Chained, in idle reprimand, recounting:  we delivered flowers.
Poems, writtens, all my stories, how together, we would race
Running from, madness and glories, til the time that we would face

Myself, in trouble, that was known- and to who- would i lend an ear?
Where once before to trouble thrown, i left it- followed “follow here,”
Now: the anger, breaking free- Inanimate (you are) i blame
That even thought i couldnt see, you left me here, and just the same.

All the carnage then begotten, as all my friends look on in fear.
Somehow in the past (forgotten), im left alone just standing here.
Hearing this: the wake up call, but im asleep (as i was then)
Wondering how far we fall, and if we ever wake up… When?

On a porch, perhaps through phone, in every medium that asked?
What more would it take to hone, To uncover what i have masked?
Back to find a life to smile, something other than this game-
Where i push hard, for awhile… And teach you to forget my name.

Scariness, is theres no answer:  I dont know what holds tomorrow.
But this desire is cancer, and eventually: the sorrow
Must succumb, for your replaced, and now im racing ’round a ghost.
And wondering (each road ive faced), if i scare, or get scared most-

Fade to black as colors fit, as resurrected wistfully-
Its sad- that smile as i sit, and push you farther, gracefully…
But it isnt as you were… it isnt how you used to be
Then again you werent her, as i would have let her save me.

But you:  You gave it up: the wall, our backs or sides went up against.
And so, this deadly game: to fall, my bullshit antics have commenced.
Incredulous, i speak to you- and laugh as you were never living:
Bewildered as this time passed through, i wasnt either, so im giving:

Out a final call to you, and to the ones who could have saved-
But i know its MY follow through, and that i should have just behaved.
But so lost, with no recover, and now how THAT has woken fear-
Why… My saver, and my lover… Why to save, and leave me here?